Duh-rama abounds your High Culture column as a computer crash causes a lost post, a missed week, and a mystery involving how in the hell am I supposed to cover high art when there is none in the middle of summer. Let us try and pass the time in an entertaining way.

Going On This Week

There is nothing going on this week. See you next week!

[HE IS KIDDING. -Ed.]

[NO I'M NOT. -Zachary]

Well, there might be something going on this week, I don’t know, my computer died last week and I only just got it back online at the weekend, and I just can’t be bothered to go trawling through the deep reservoirs of the internet trying to find something for you to do. You’re a grown up, you can figure something out. Or do as I do and take up a hobby to fill your free time. Anyway, did you at least miss me while I was away? You didn’t even notice I was gone did you…?

FINE. Here is our final part of what has become a rather bedraggled and half-assed overview of ballet and opera. Today I give my verdict on the best operas for beginners, and we will be ranking those presented according to the quite scientific scale of the various heights of Maria Callas’s glorious bouffant.

A (Really) Brief (And Poorly Explained) History of Ballet & Opera: Part Never Going To Do A Series Of Nothing Again

Oh my goodness, is this thing not over yet? See if I commit to a multi-part anything again in my life, and certainly never again of my own volition. Moving forward: many moons ago when we started this godawful thing we looked at the stars of ballet, and then the best ballets for beginners. Two weeks ago we met the great stars of opera (at least according to Americans, who are the most important consumers of anything ever released in the world), and to wind us down we now finally land upon which operas I think are the best for those new to the art form. As I’ve mentioned before all operas are awesome, which makes this list redundant. But unnecessary extrapolation has never caused me to shut up before, so here we go:

5. Puccini’s La Bohème - A rather sad story about a poor artist type (if you are not one of those, you know of one, no doubt to your annoyance) who is in love with the girl next door (an old-timey parable for “manic pixie dream girl”) who is dying of tuberculosis (standing in for the requisite modern day sexually transmitted disease of choice as decided by the cast of Jersey Shore). It has lovely music, melancholy mood, and best of all it’s not terribly long, which makes for a great introductory piece for people who frequent Twitter.

4.Verdi’s La Traviata – Forbidden love. Alabama citizens have long indulged in its many forms. Whether it is the love between a man and the wards of the state, a man and his mistress, or a man and his murdered mistress, it is something we are all acquainted with. Verdi gives an especially illicit and vulgar romance at the center of its story: a woman and SOME DUDE FROM FRANCE. Quelle shock!!!!!!

3. Mozart’s Le nozze di Figaro – An ancient retelling of the classic hero myth The Colbert Report, this satire is all about how the lower classes usurp the upper classes through intelligent humor and wicked fresh 18th century jokes. If you’ve seen the 2006 film Marie Antoinette, this is the opera that drunk the Duchesse de Polignac is raving about to all of those people who would eventually have their heads cut off by poor people.

2.Puccini’s Madame Butterfly – A story of global romance, child-bearing, and suicide, this is perhaps one of the most famous and most performed operas in history. Oh, did I just give away the ending? Too bad, I don’t care to revise this paragraph, so now it’s spoilt for you. That’s life.

1. Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor – Your esteemed columnist’s very favorite opera EVAH, this story involves a woman scorned and a butchered husband. LOVE IT. But the very best part is the amazing music, which includes perhaps my favorite operatic moments in the universe, the famed “mad scene” wherein your scorned wife absolutely loses her freaking mind to a gorgeous composition that only further enhances just how nuts she is. AMAZING.

Next Week

Seven days from now I will take a look at the modern music which finds its inspiration in classical composition, and will consciously avoid any and all talk of the pretentious wankfest known as “Bright Eyes.” [Shudder.] Enjoy the rest of your week, nerds!