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Bel Air Sears Closing to Leave Rip in Space/Time Continuum

15 Jul 2015

written by Mailer-Daemon

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Sears is an iconic American brand, and one of the most recognizable in Mobile’s Bel Air Mall for decades. However, by the end of September, the Mobile store will be fading away into history both literally and figuratively, as the the creature’s removal will reportedly leave a gaping wound in the ideasphere.

“I’m already seeing plagues of spores in my dreams and my wife’s hair is starting to fall out,” said Arnette Mitchum, Mobile.

Slowly the store, which takes up nearly an entire city block, will begin to detach from our sphere of reference. And that means that if the situation is mishandled with the usual local proficiency, this Black Friday might bring infestations of creatures from the daemonic plane to the greater Mobile area. The merchandise liquidation starts July 17th, where the entire area will be sterilized and it’s 100+ employees put to death by chemical inhalation.

“That’s going to be something if they leave we’re not going to have that Black Friday, I really want to know what’s going to be there to take that place, because that’s a lot of business,” Maria Kingsley, local masseuse.

Mod Mobilian has smugly learned from our secret sources that the city is in talks to purchase the property to store surplus live oak lumber, but some say you’ll never actually know, so it doesn’t matter what is true.

“We’re all going to die,” said Mitchum.

“It’s just going to be different,” said Janice Manicelli.

BREAKING UPDATE: photograph grievously stolen from Mike Kittrell/Press-Register


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